Things are going moderately well…I’m on lesson 15/34 and hoping to open shop tomorrow. I wasn’t supposed to sleep in until 1047 🙈 but I did so here I am, trying to get through the day so I can do some more work tonight. I spent all of yesterday doing nothing but updating my MAC and working so I didn’t think it was healthy to work all of last night either. Today so far I familiarized myself with the Shopify draft of the products I’m offering in my store so it was time well spent. I’ve finalized my categories for the new drop whenever I open…Bohemian and the Halloween collection. I hesitate to offer Halloween because people would have to buy THIS weekend in order to get it on time, but I have to give it a shot after the cool pieces I found on AliExpress. I have no idea how this is going to go but I needed to do something for money because Color Street just isn’t cutting it these days. 😭 It takes 18-24 months for an e-commerce store to take off so I’m hoping that my marketing will be amazing and I can do better than that. 

My grocery pick up is complete and I’m on the road again! 

 It looks like I will be using my laptop daily from here on out, so I am changing my journal to a digital format. It's safer like this anyways, much more secure. 

My journey to find satisfaction and happiness in life again has turned a corner, with my accidental discovery today. I was about to get on YouTube to run Bella Art de Nicole videos when an ad popped up about E Commerce Businesses. I gave it a listen and found myself down the rabbit hole of research and discovered that what I was doing with Color Street for a while (selling on ebay) is actually a legitimate way of doing business called Dropshipping. In a nutshell, you set up your online store on Shopify, use Oberlo to manage your orders on AliExpress and market your business in whatever ways you can (FB and IG.) I've basically been doing this within the limitations of Color Street, and while I'm upset that I'm just now finding out about this, I am EXTREMELY grateful that this fell in my lap today because it's a clear sign that this is what I want to do. 

Now then, I have a solid business plan for everything I need, except I am not sure what I want to sell. My top 3 ideas are a jewelry shop, a children's toy shop and an adult sex toy store. I'm gravitating towards the sex toy shop because it would be a great business that would fit me, but part of me thinks that a children's toy shop would be best. Maybe I should do a poll :D but either way, marketing is going to be huge and I don't know yet which direction I need to go. I shall ask the Lord to direct me. 

Here's to business success. 

I don't typically write on here, but I was watching something tonight that sparked it. I have a paper journal that I've been keeping daily since January 1st, but naturally, it's become quite a chore and I have to force myself to write some nights. 

But something about the show I was watching ignited my mind like a flame. Everything I've been missing about me has suddenly come to life, and the words are bursting in my mind, pushing, screaming to come out. 

I have been so lost. Throwing myself into my children, motherhood, being a good wife to Jake even though I am not, staying up all night to diamond paint and find myself somewhere, anywhere. Any semblance of me, any part of me from the past that I used to be. I fancy myself a much better version these days, but with this new role as mother and dignified person I've become, I've also lost the best part of me. 

This new role I've embraced has me being faithful, good and true. And there's nothing wrong with that. I love the person I've become. But I'm not ME anymore. I don't recognize myself in the mirror. I don't have a purpose. I am mindless and my days run together to the point that I cope by either staying up too late and numbing the exhaustion with more tiredness or just eating to the point that I know I will never loose the weight I need to loose. I've become a decent person, a Color Street stylist, one who's reputation is more important than anything else in the world. And while I love being a good person and a good mother, some part of me was lost with this transition. 

I miss the old me. The high of my sexual adventures. And I am wise enough to know that I don't need another man. Jake is enough. But I need to tap into the right frame of mind so I can be what he needs and what I need to sate my sexual desires. I say constantly that the biggest problem is how he treats my sons. But that isn't true if I'm honest with myself. 

I hate myself, deep down, in that place where I dare not go. It's a combination of many things, but mostly it's my inability to be happy where I'm planted. And THAT is what I need to work on. The mundane things in life is what I used to live for, and that is what the secret is. Happiness with my situation and my life. Happiness with MYSELF. 

First on my laundry list of mental fortifications is my inability to stay consistent with my weight. That is my biggest insecurity and ironically, the hardest thing to stay constant to. And I've realized the reason why. It's the rush. The rush I used to feel when I cheated or had a new sexual experience. And cheating on my Macros is the only way to feel like I'm deviating from what I know I must do. It's not easy to shed weight when nursing a baby and having late nights. But I know I can do it and I must. 

Now that I have let myself see the truth, I know what I must do. I can't believe I couldn't face the truth. I miss ME. And I have to figure out how to be myself in this new life.